God’s Vagabond Child..

2:21 AM

June, 6, 2009

It’s actually my first time to sneak out of the house early this morning just to play computer games (and write a blogpost, of course). But it’s ok, what I do at home during this hour is watch boring TV shows or stare at my room’s walls and ceiling. I simply can’t sleep until between 4 and 5 in the moring.  Don’t ask me why, ‘coz I don’t know.

Anyway, this is my second to the last night here in Bacolod City (or 3rd, it depends on my neural processes) and I’ve come to realize a lot of things..

First, I can be confused by proximity - badly confused - and I only found out about this just today. Second, I actually am born to be alone because I never trust anyone. Third, I can be waaayyy better when I don’t feel any attachment to anyone. Bitter? Hahaha.. No, I’m not. It’s the truth. However, I, with all the philosophical crap that is stuck in my head, can’t help but disregard these three points.

“I know what I can’t stand”, to quote a song by Linkin Park but I am an ‘endurist’ (I just know) and persistent (as my wise highschool teacher told me) by nature.  And maybe, I just do it because I simply want it. Not that I need it, I want it, just to stress it out. I know this may sound mean but I don’t do it for fun. I usually have noble reasons and pristine intentions when doing so. The point is, it’s like a cellphone hanging-thingy - I can still text without it.

With these realizations though, I hope to function better this semester.

ALTASHHETH™

2:51AM

10:28AM

04-11-09

What I knew all along has to be shoved in my guts so that I can accept them and when something is shoved inside your guts, it’s damn painful. But for the better, I guess.

I knew all along that what has been is just that, a thing of the past. And futility has always been with me in my efforts to bring it back. I have always been able to come out of anything with anger. I get angry, I stay away. But with you, I can never get angry - at least, angry to the point of throwing all those that we’ve had. You said that you’ll try to conquer the distance, and because I’m gullible when I’m dealing with you, I believed it. All I wanted was to feel that you’re giving your efforts as well. But I can’t. Like you care anyway. I sometimes believe that it was all orchestrated, and sooner or later, you will have to claim your academy awards trophy. But most of the time, I believe that everything was real, but real only for that short span of time.

We’ve talked about it. And you know me, and I believe that I understood you too. They think that everything they see is like the other things that they see. And we heard rumors. And we laughed about those because we knew what we had. . 

‘What we had’.

Until now, I will never deny that those few months has etched its mark in my brain. Either I buy a new brain or kill myself, there and then will that mark be removed. When I’m happy, I remember those and I smile. When I’m sad and lonely, like what I’m currently feeling because of the residue from what we had that accumulated and clogged my judgment when it comes to other persons, I remember those things and I have to try and hold back the salty liquid.

I had fun. I thank you for that. What’s left are memories - which I have no use for anymore, and the strongerst lessons that you’ve given me through our friendship. Lessons that made me realize what I’m actually capable of, and what my greatest weaknesses are. But the worst thing that this thing has left me is a great vulnerabilty. I find it hard to trust anymore. And I’m just about to ruin a great friendship because of this. Or I’m ruining it already. Because I’m afraid that this person will be like you too sooner or later well in fact, I know that, I’m sorry to say this, the person is a whole lot better than you. The person is different. And that is what I have been telling myself amidst the strong paranoia that I have been feeling lately.

My friend. I will have to close the door. It’s hard and once in a while, I will feel the urge to peek. But believe me, I will close it. I won’t let the storm come inside my dwelling again. This closing will mean nothing to you now, I know. But at least, it matters to me.

You said that it will be ‘until the bitter end’. This must be it. The bitter end that you’ve foreseen. I hate doing this, but I’m glad that once and for all, its over.

It’s easter sunday, and a new life awaits.

Take good care.

ALTASHHETH™

11:04AM

April 11, 2009

February 19, 2009
2:06PM

Unless you are given any idea on what the insides of a coconut looks like, you will imagine something else. On the outside, it is green and seemingly useless. Like a rock or something. But when you crack it open, you’ll learn that inside, you can find some tasty and healthy juice and coco meat. Then you’ll realize that things aren’t what they always seem to be.

It goes both ways, this metaphorical shit that I’ve spontaneously created. You won’t know really (really, because you can always assume that you know.) what’s the inside of someone else’s coconut shell unless you ‘crack’ it open. Likewise, anyone couldn’t just accurately decipher you using Freudian slips or psychoanalysis or some projective tests. You will have to ‘crack’ open your coco ball for them, so that they’ll know. However, we live in a world where fear enables you to self-preserve or to self-destruct. Sometimes, you’d rather not travel a hundred miles to find better pastures, you stay in what little meadow that you currently have. I myself heard myself one time saying, “Mas mayo pa mapatay ko cancer na wala ko nabal-an kesa mabal-an ko bago mapatay” (I’d rather die of cancer without knowing that I had it than know it before I actually die.) It’s cowardice at its refined form, I admit. Knowing that you have cancer is the greener pasture since, at least,you’ll have a chance to cure yourself rather than wait for the unknown sickness to consume you.

I actually don’t really get my point. And that’s nice since you’ve wasted time reading this. I dunno. Given the circumstances, I think that ‘what is’ is better than the riot that will be created by an ‘I’m hoping that’. Coconuts don’t break that easily and two equally hard coconuts is far worse.

They fall.

Yes.

But extra effort is needed to open it and let the juice and meat save a life.

I’ll just drink water for now.

2:29PM

How To Save A Life :
Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it’s just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you’ve told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you’ve followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he’ll say he’s just not the same
And you’ll begin to wonder why you came
Feb. 4, 2009

01:19AM

It’s perfectly fair to be misunderstood once in a while since you also misunderstand others sometimes.

This thought came to me after I’ve read The Fray’s “How to save a Life” for the nth time now. I just woke up by the way and after I’ve tinkered with my already overcharged phone, I read the paper - where the lyrics was printed - that is tucked below my pillow. Specifically, the line “Pray to God he hears you.. Pray to God he hears you..” triggered the thought. Sometimes, the things we say, the way we behave and our simple impulsive acts come from the things that we try to contain, tame, suppress - whatever term you like - that tend to overflow. It can be deliberate or unconscious (unconscious but later, if you are very introspective, you’ll realize the point of the way you acted). And here usually comes the misunderstanding.

Like suicide and self-mutilation, it is supposed to be a “cry for help” (which means papansin, pabatyag, pa epal, etc. if you are a skeptic), a cue that something is bothering that person. However, as was mentioned, these are often misunderstood or sometimes you simply don’t know how to react. It is quite rare for someone to actually penetrate the glass globe that surrounds you and will try to “hear” you. There will be few who’ll “know” what to do during these times because it will require courage. Courage.

If no one will be able to do so, its ok. There are times that you haven’t (unintentionally )or didn’t (intentionally) do your part too.

.  .  .  .  .  .

I was thinking, I may be talking to myself, huh? I don’t know. Maybe it’s both ways. “I’m talking to you”. I’m reading it, so I’m talking to myself. Now that you’re the one reading it, I’m talking to you..

Weird, huh?
_______________________________________________

As I understand “How to save a life”, its a confrontation between two friends that’ve gone awry and ended in ‘parting of ways’ (i sooo love this phrase.. :D). Imagine two people who’ve been friends for some time now. The first line tells of the effort of one of them to ask the other one to have a “sit down it’s just a talk” session (see lyrics). However, the tension is palpable. Both can’t look each other in the face. (he goes left and you stay right).

I discussed the second stanza after the chorus in the first part of this post.

In the third stanza, the one who didn’t initiate the confrontation is already heated and the other one concedes and asks him to either continue and eventually lose the friendship that they have (”Drive until you lose the road”) or do something about it (Break with the ones you’ve followed). The statement might’ve hit something and the angry one calms down and will either admit his mistakes (”He will admit to everything”) or reason out that he simply isn’t the same person that the other one have known before. (”He’ll say he’s just not the same”)

The song ends up in regret. “I WOULD HAVE STAYED UP WITH YOU ALL NIGHT, Had I known, how to save a life.” The person would’ve stayed if only he knew how to confront the situation. But he didn’t know how to. Thus, the first line of the chorus..

My thoughts? Again, it all boils down to misunderstanding. If only we could read each other’s minds, many relationships might’ve lasted a life-time (here and in.. heaven? who knows?) Patience can remedy this though. But we only have enough. No more, no less. And here lies the conflict.

You try to elaborate that for me.

ALTASHHETH™

2:57AM

11:24PM

January 15, 2008

A good friend and I had this very ‘unloading’ conversation last time. Sitting in the grass near the Acacia trees inside our university campus. It was a bit nostalgic, saying those things. Since I remembered that the only other person that I’ve had the same conversation with was gone from me for almost three years now. I spoke of what I ‘really’ believe in, that other people, bound by social constraints, can never actually think about or won’t bother thinking about. You can never force anyone to listen to you. They might hear what you are blabbering about but few will be able to listen and understand what you want to convey and where you are getting all these thoughts - from your heart or from somewhere else. Sincerity is a commodity that isn’t that very common these days anymore. It will be very lucky if someone gives it to you out of nowhere. It will be a folly to waste it. Because almost everytime, you have to risk and invest sincerity and hope that it won’t be thrown away. But the person actually listened to me and believed what I said. However, I know that I myself, am bound. If I weren’t, i would have filled this blog with every argument that i have.

The conversation left me feeling happy and light for almost an hour. Almost. I’ve come to realize once more, that it was damn possible that the person whom i confided with will end up the same way with the other one - listen and go. I thought that, I hope, other people, who thinks the same way like I do or will be thinking the same way, will find the courage that I don’t have, and will probably never have and stand up for his/her beliefs.

I will have to suffer that ‘cycle’ that I’ve been mentioning in this God-forsaken internet cranny all over again.Or start writing all over again.

Altashheth™

11:39PM

January 15, 2009

January 9, 2009

9:32 AM

Storyteller. The term used by General Sahib in the movie adaptation of the novel “The Kite Runner” by Khaled Hosseini. I can’t say I’m a writer because I haven’t written any stories yet. I just make up stories in my head, but I can’t write them..yet.

I hate romanticized endings. I love sad endings with good and strong resolutions. The type of endings wherein a main character sits in a bench somewhere, winds blowing and thoughts wandering near the end of the story. I often create mental stories with someone dying in the end. Maybe it reflects my strong preconceived notion that, once everything is already irreversible, there you’ll find out that you should’ve done something. However, these sad endings often have flashbacks of happy memories, so, my stories, though tragic, still have a tinge of brightness in it.

The point? Though in reality, I often look at the bright side of things - enduring whatever in the hopes that in the end, it’ll be all right - I am a pessimist by nature as observed in the projections that I make in my stories. When I’m happy with someone, I often have short episodes of feelings of emptiness somewhere in between. Maybe it’s because of the things that had happened in the past. Happy moments that always end in a parting of ways. Somewhere within me, I know that every happy moment with anyone, anyone, won’t last forever. New people come. Things happen. Distance. It kills even the shiniest of hopes.

People will say, “Stop thinking about it, just treasure those moments.” How could I treasure those moments when the knowledge - and therefore the pain - of knowing that it won’t happen again, overpowers the need to preserve things in a luminous view. And, I’m me. I’m not them. I don’t know how to fool myslelf using sheer optimism.

So I’ll be here. Thinking of stories that I’ll end the way that I want it to. I only wish that Life is like that, you end it the way you want to. But no, no matter what you do, you can never control the things that are happening and will be happening. I concede.

Altashheth™

Jan. 9, 2009

10:06 AM

May 5, 2008
6:25pm

Does God really talk to us in ways that will usually hit us straight in the face? I will do this for the very first time.. This is quite a common tradition with bloggers.. The write-a-letter thing.. For me, I’ll write a letter that will be read, hopefully, by God:

Dear God,

What did you mean by saying, "prodigal son" last night through the mouth of one of the two most important persons in my life? Was it You? Or was it just my mind, playing tricks on me.

God, if you really are the powerful being that they believe You are, I know that You know what I am thinking now.. What I told you a while ago in church, and if my intentions are very clean and pure.

God,  why is there too much pain in this world? Why do we have to suffer these things? Why don’t you just give us the best so that man will never ever have evil thoughts.. By saying ‘the best’, it means, the best and un-corrupting things..

Lord, what is the reason for all this? Am I just ‘another brick in the wall’? That you can do without? Or am i, as what i thought you told me, one of your prodigal sons?

Lord, I want to be good and I want to put an end to the ‘thing’ that I am suffering personally, and the things that hurt me.. Like my papa’s situation.. And my mom’s still somewhat close-minded approach to the things that I am doing..

Lord, please talk to me more.. And please open my mind so that I will hear you..

JM

ALTASHHETH™

6:35pm

April 28, 2008

2:29 PM

Yesterday, I regained my martyr-ish mentality.. The thought that, I must endure this because i’m the more sane of the two of us.. Is that right? I think so.. I don’t think so.. I’m not really sure.. But,  fighting fire with fire may just create a bigger and unquencheable fire.. So, I believe that it is up to me to remain psychologically sound and find a way.. I must throw away these depressing thoughts and stuff..

I’ll try.. Because I don’t want to end up doing this thing to my son too..

As for my mom, she’s sound. I just have to accept the mom that I have.. Its not that, I didn’t in the past.. but, I will accept her more and open my mind a little wider for her.. 

I love them both and I hope to fulfill my Purpose to both of them before I die.. I really believe that everything has a reason.. A reason why I wrote this, why you read it.. Why you are going to hate or like what i’m scribbling in this light and static screen.. 

ALTASHHETH™

2:35 PM