God’s Vagabond Child..

Feet Wet by Stephen Speaks

standing at the water's edge, i feel a trembling fear
as the waves crash 'round my ankles feel the thunder in my ear
i feel the change is coming, the wind is at my back
but doubt overtakes me and my eyes turn to black
my past lurks behind me, keeping me on guard
i don't want to chance it, these steps are just too hard
i know He's behind me but what can i do
i'm frail, i'm human, and i don't want to fail you
{ i can't walk on water with these dirty feet
but He can walk on water and He'll carry me}
so put your arms around me carry me to sea
waves knock against me but i know I'm free
from death and loneliness, darkness, despair
this life is choppy but i don't care..

please refer to my media box for the song...

2006 was a year of doubts.. Of questions.. Of pain...

Though most of my questions are yet unanswered, and some

might never be answered, I still feel fulfillment as this year

ends.. Fulfillment, though not total...

Altashheth™

On Knowledge..

Knowledge is but elusive.. Understand that what we know now can never be eternal.. It will change.. We can never embrace and know the whole truth so to speak.. For it will crush us, for we are but mortals.. We can know many things.. But will only understand a handful of the great Sea of Truth… Ignorance roots from knowing, and not understanding… Think about it..

Jesus..

Jesus, in my belief, is a man.. A man of extraordinary example and conviction, and I admire Him for that.. Jesus’ complexity lies in His simplicity.. He became a Lord because he is a figure that is accessible, easy to reach.. He is our Brother.. That’s who He is.. He is a Son of somebody else like we are the sons or daughters of somebody else.. His uniqueness and greatness shows because He fought for what He believed in.. I see him as a Man and not the second part of the Holy Trinty, not the Pantokrator (the Divine Creator of All), not the Omnisceint Being.. He understood our pains and our struggles, he knew it.. And that is why He fought for the Greatest Good of all and that is Love.. To fight all the evils- hunger, desire, pain, etc..

Christmas..

And this day, we celebrate his birth (though we can never know if it is reallt the exact date).. We should speak of His deeds, His struggle to show the World that Love is the meaning of living.. We are living because of Love..

Altashheth
 

Suffering.. Never have I been so pained like this. The thought of God’s existence, the thought of rejection, the thought of what lies ahead..

How will I ever discover the one, if I will never risk.. I know that I am what other people consider unacceptable, damned.. But what is it that this world should be made of, but love.. Honest, loyal, true and unbarred.. People, however will forever think of love as what is prescribed by the norms, the culture, the society.. Never will they understand that love is beyond fleshly limits, beyond anatomical compatibility.. I speak in tongues of some sort here, but to those who understand, thanks..

These are what bothers me now, again — God’s existence, the thought of rejection, the thought of what lies ahead and in one word, it can be summarized in LOVE…

It is a bit complicated yes.. How these three can be summarized in this one simple but immaculate word..

LOVE, i say again..

Altashheth..

Ever since, I was a doubtful soul.. I always did question the existence and the "validity" of a cosmological being.. All the more after several months in UP where I can and will ever be allowed to express my self freely.. I denounced Catholicism finally.. However, I still believe in a God, a creator, not a propagator of morality and religion.. Morality and religion was created by man, and never by God.. That is what I believe in, if you’re uncomfortable with my thoughts, just be uncomfortable.. Never, I plead, condemn me for this for I will never condemn you for what you believe in..

I am not bad.. Take note.. I hope you’re not one of those narrow-minded people who think that the basis of one’s "goodness and evilness" are his religous beliefs…

My thoughts now are drifting and I am once again in doubt.. I am aimless and wandering and lost… I feel forever empty and never will my friends’ consolation appease me.. I don’t know why, is this because of my outright decision?.. I know that I am, like Newton said, a boy walking in the shores. Never will I ever comprehend the whole mystery of the beach or the ocean… But deep inside, I am sure of what I believe in.. I don’t know if this is my superego haunting me, that I will never be accepted by the eyes of the society or if this is God.. Knocking at me.. Asking me to trust and believe… Again..

Watching them dancing and rocking their bodies in random jerks, twists and jumps, I thought of how life can be so short for sadness and worries. We had our christmas party at the dorm that I am currently staying at last night. As usual, I am there in the corner, smiling and observing.. That’s when I thought this- To write my own reflection about something that I have always been suffering from..

I don’t know how I can understand life’s shortness and do nothing with the short time at the same time.  This is hypocrisy.. I know that ever since, I have always been good on thoughts and insights but I have always been poor in realizing these immaterial imaginations..

That’s where my ineffectiveness and dormancy lies..

That’s the reason why I haven’t done anything remarkable, though I know that I have always been able to.. It’s a pity that God gave me things that I can almost never dream of realizing..

If there is a thing that I have to sacrifice for new learnings and self-discovery it is time. MY puppy died today, and I don’t know what a man like me should feel. I sacrificed the time that I should have spent in taking care of her.. In being with her.. It’s funny yes, how I feel so sentimental about this seemingly unimportant thing.

But before anything else, I want you to know more about my puppy. I named her Yuki (snow in Japanese) because she is white. She was a fluffy thing.. Hairy, playful and mishievous. It was only last year when I had her.. Though she was full of hair all over, her tail was rat-like.. Stupid how someone like me could feel so attached with such a pitiful creature..

Her death made me realize that I am missing a lot of things at home. I know that in the first place, it was my decision to study far away from home.. And I must stand by it, ’til the end. It is a battle I must win.

There are many more things that will happen soon. And I must be ready…

Im starting not to believe that distance makes the heart grow fonder.. I would rather believe that distance breeds detachment and apathy…

How i wish to turn back time…

How I wish I can say more..