God’s Vagabond Child..

"Kung papipiliin ka ano ang kakainin mo, UBE na lasang TAE o TAE na lasang UBE?"

A stupid, humurous and simple question but the answer seems so hard to find.. Don’t you think?

I asked this question to some of my friends and they just looked at me or laughed thinking that I am just fooling around (I fool around quite often though I seem to exude depression and pessimism in this blog). Yes, I was fooling around. But after quite a while, I realized something.

We have to make a choice.

I have been writing in this blog about the same things all over again and yet, I can’t still decide what to really do. It is said that, "the fires of Hell are reserved for those who doesn’t make a stand." It struck me.

Think about it.. As I also try to contemplate with it..

By the way, I choose to eat the ube na lasang tae.

ALTASHHETH™

I am a lighthouse Worn by the weather and the waves I keep my lamp lit To warn the sailors on their way. I’ll tell a story Paint you a picture from my past I was so happy But joy in this life seldom lasts I had a keeper He helped me warn the ships at sea We had grown closer Till his joy meant everything to me And he was to marry A girl who shone with beauty and light And they loved each other And with me watched the sunsets into night And the waves crash around me The sand slips out to the sea And the winds that blow remind me Of what has been, and what can never be She’d had to leave us My keeper, he prayed for her safe return But when the night came The weather to a raging storm had turned He watched her ship fight But in vain, against the wild and terrible wind In me, so helpless As dashed against the rocks, she met her end And the waves crash around me The sand slips out to the sea And the winds that blow remind me Of what has been, and what can never be Then, on the next day My keeper found her washed up on the shore He kissed her cold face That they’d be together soon, he swore I saw him crying Watched as he buried her in the sand And then he climbed my tower And off the edge of me, he ran And the waves crash around me The sand slips out to the sea And the winds that blow remind me Of what has been, and what can never be I am a lighthouse Worn by the weather and the waves And though I’m empty I still warn the sailors on their way Ever since you mounted me I’m afraid that I am dying

What can you say about this song? Hehehe..

"If you can’t fix it, you gotta stand it"

-Ennis del Mar, Brokeback Mountain

A very thought-provoking line from one of my favorite movies. I write this out of bitter disappointment because since I came back here in Bacolod City, I already failed to post TWO blogposts in a row.. ‘Twas because of the feeble internet connection that they have here in this cafe.. When I clicked "save" after writing those two supposed-to-be-very-good blogposts, the connection fails and a dreadful "PAGE CANNOT BE DISPLAYED" shows up… I was soooo frustrated that I thought of deleting this blog permanently.. I have this compulsive nature at times.. Luckily, I controlled it.. <heavy sigh>

Anyways, I write this in the hope of posting it successfully…

The basic idea of those two failed blogposts was this: I have to accomplish what I intended to do since GOD knows when..

I am back here in Bacolod City. I know it would only be short–after a few sleeps, I would be again back in Iloilo. With this short time, I hope to do it. I have to… If I want to at least recover from my state of stupidly emotional depression…

If I won’t do it, I will continue to wallow in anticipation and gradually waste away in the process..

If I do it however, there will only be two possible fate for me: Be broken, impaled and hurt all the more or be VERY happy.. Eitherway, I know I will live again…

I will have to stand it ‘coz I know that I can never fix it.. No matter what they tell me, it won’t be fixed. I know it, because it’s already within me.. It’s already me..

Be with me..

ALTASHHETH™

Vanya sulie

Forgive the unclear image… Let’s try to pretend that we are in the Impressionist age of art.. Heheheeh.. This is a Cellphone Camera image..

Anyways… I want to impress on one thing.. A thing that WE always hear.. Or at least, we have heard a dozen times already…

"We should be happy because we are, in one way or another, luckier than some other people.."

I took this feeble attempt to "emotionalize" poverty when we were having our CWTS activity… It caught me, really.. How the little girl carries her sleeping baby brother.. She was actually sitting and her brother was in a fetal postion in her lap. I was not very confident to take her picture, so I asked a teammate to take it for me instead.. He actually destroyed the actual Drama of the picture because he told her to stand.. Anyways, their mother?.. Where was she?.. I don’t know… Their father?.. I don’t know..

Sad, really how this young girl can be left like this.. Dirty and unkept.. Probably hungry.. Probably sick.. But I believe that she’s actually contented.. At that age, she can only think of the present and her mind is not yet tainted with worldly desires and far-fetched ideas… She looks sad, yes.. But she will most probably be happy again if she’ll be with her playmates…

We can think their state of living is bad because of our acquired knowledge.. Her mother will be sad or desperate.. Her father the same… But she, the innocent child… She still doesn’t understand… She gratifies herself in simple ways.. Playing.. Eating what little they have.. Sleeping..

The point is, what we know can always hurt us.. If we are caught off guard, the things we’ll see around us can make us sad or lonely.. Because we know… Because we already have experiences.. Because we can comprehend..

Our teacher (yes, the same teacher, the Political Thought teacher..) once asked us to choose.. Bliss in ignorance? Or pain in knowledge? You choose..

Others argued that, happiness can be achieved through pain.. And happiness is sweeter if you worked hard for it… He answered, "Why work hard for happiness if you can be happy without working for it"..My arguement was (I was with the pain thing, hmmm.. don’t know why.. hehhee), how can you fully appreciate Bliss ,or happiness for that matter, if you don’t know what happiness is in the first place.. His answer, "You can only say that because you are a spectator, an external viewer.. They don’t know they are happy but at least they’re happy.."

I was not able to answer back..

Is this the curse of the mythical Tree of Good and Evil or the Tree of Knowledge?… I don’t know.. No! I know that my Pains since time immemorial are caused by my knowing of things.. They’re telling me to stop thinking about it.. But no, I cannot.. I’m more susceptible to emotions, I know it myself. I’m not the type that can just put aside emotions easily..

I can run from it.. But I know still that it is chasing me.. So, what’s the point?.. I can’t defeat it.. So why not wallow in it.. Feel it.. Be devoured by it…

God knows my thoughts.. I know He does.. But I don’t know if He cares..

All I can do is be contented… Be contented by it’s torments.. By it’s slashes and lashes… And Live with it… Until I’ll have the courage to conquer them..

Altashheth™

February 5, 2007.

This date could be anyone’s birthday. This day could be anyone’s wedding day. This day could be anyone’s death day. But to most, this is just an ordinary day…

You will ask, instinctively of course.. How about me? Well, this day marks the 16th month since God answered my prayers. Since God gave me the one who gave Light to my life. My dark life.

The one who was with me in my retribution and  perdition.. My happiness and joys..

And of course, I am happy with this. No doubt. But something nags in my head.. This person gave Light to my life - sanctified it yes. But will he continue to sanctify it? Or will he be the cause of my downfall.

Distance. Time. These things I hope we will forever endure.

I am enduring it. I’m willing all myself to endure it. But does he?

One thing’s for sure. Once one of us will falter and give up.. I will never have someone better.. I will, though not physically, die.

But as I write this, I am still hopeful.

Hopefule amidst the silence between us.

Hopeful amidst the short stolen moments spent.

Hopeful amidst.. What still lie hidden..

If you’re reading this.. I hope you still remember this day… That day when a mere "game of small balls" bound our paths.. Hoping against hope that it will be, as we always have promised, forever.. Forever…

Namarie Mellonamin.. Amin mela lle..

Altashheth™