God’s Vagabond Child..

May 23, 2007

07:50PM

What a title.. I think this would be long so.. if you aren’t that interested, just scram! I don’t need you and your uncaring soul..

*sigh*

Thank you for continuing.. I think this would be my last, at least for a very long period of time.. The idea is, try to put yourself in the shoes of a Thinking Cannibal-born human.. I mean, he’s a human alright, but he must live on human flesh alone. However freaky it might sound, he has no choice.. And to live.. Someone must die for him.. Though he may have to become cruel and insensitive, he can think and empathize and he was ever good and helpful and kind..

He must live on his fellow and he has no choice.

Would he be considered evil or mean just because of this unwanted need?

Each of us has our own struggles and we never can be freed from it - ever. Until we die, we should, more or less, suffer and struggle..

But is God discriminating in giving these struggles?

Is He fair in giving problems and tests?

As for me, I believe that my eternal suffer would be finding thorough acceptance from the people that I really and truly love.. And am I to be blamed? Do I really have a choice?

All I know is that, in my current state of feeling, I will forever suffer the cycle of Joy and Sorrow.. Joy because I, at least, still have the thing that I seem to have equated with my life.. Sorrow because I know that though I have it, it will never be mine.. And again, am I to be blamed?

(Smack That now playing)

I want to be happy, that is all that I want.. I hope there is an Economics for the emotions.. (The allocation of limited happiness to man’s unlimited suffering..)

Do I need counseling?

Please tell me..

What do I need?

I have been counseled upon; Advices I received from everyone; Sincere friendship has been given to me but I still am suffering and I just can’t listen to them.. I never heeded their advices or counsels or what… I am still the same..

*sigh*

Am I stubborn?

What?

The main problem maybe is that I can’t seem to find the core of this all.. Or I haven’t recognized it yet, though it’s just under my nose.. I really don’t know..

I can’t write poems now and I’m too sane to cut myself.. And I can’t find an outlet anymore..

WaaaAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

i hope can relate to what I am saying now..

I need to find answers..

I need to Understand..

I am giving love that can never be reciprocated…

I am growing up but I can’t find my purpose..

I am too blind and dumb..

I am stupid..

Ahhhrrrrrrggggggg……

My eternal struggle would be earning the Love that I want… and learned to need.. The love that I know would be my last and best.. The love that failed me.. The love that I must, ’til my dying day, suffer…

I’m a cannibal myself.. I can’t help but "eat" my "fellow"..

Do I have a choice?

Should I be blamed?

ALTASHHETH™

Can people get more insensitive? Damn..

I’m suffering Bipolar Depression now and I don’t like it one bit.. One minute I’m happy and the next minute, I feel like dead… And  it’s because of one freaking "message"..

I wish I was more courageous so that I can end this puddle of conflicting emotions.. I don’t want to suffer anymore and I really really don’t want to feel pain anymore…

"Everyone of us has our own struggles.. Maybe this is your eternal struggle..", a friend told me.. And it’s quite unfair if this is really what i must suffer…

They are telling me that it’s all in my willpower and I have a choice.. Damn, yeah.. I do have a choice.. To supress it and suffer more.. or die.. At least for me, those are my options..

Crap, why do you even bother to read this monologue of endless fuzzing and pleading and drama? And why do I have to write this???

*sigh*

I’m hopeless..

ALTASHHETH

May 5, 2007

10:22pm

Damn. I hate it. I really hate it! It sucks and it stinks and itsss. shit. I always end up like this. Begging. Pleading. Ahrgggggggg……….. Will this ever end? Well, it will

When I die.

ALTASHHETH™

May 5, 2007- 04:43PM

I woke up today thinking, "Am I really 17?"

Hhehehe.. It has been quite long since I wrote something. Hhehehe.. You know, my whims.. I don’t feel like writing something..

But that thought made me ponder. While I was washing the dishes just this noon time. I heard the children playing "tumbang preso".. I felt envy..

Hhehehe.. I remembered the times when me and my friends play that game. Some of us have booger sticking out of our noses and our clothes are rag-like, well you know what I mean..

*sigh*

"Your old if you start thinking about the ‘good old days’.", they say.. ehhehe…

Waahhkkkkkkk……….

My thoughts are just in a scramble right now..

Hhehehe..

I learned to let go..

That’s the whole point of this..

Try to figure it out.. It makes sense.. At least, it makes sense to me..

CaN’t elaborate further..

Be with me.

ALTASHHETH™