God’s Vagabond Child..

April 28, 2008

2:29 PM

Yesterday, I regained my martyr-ish mentality.. The thought that, I must endure this because i’m the more sane of the two of us.. Is that right? I think so.. I don’t think so.. I’m not really sure.. But,  fighting fire with fire may just create a bigger and unquencheable fire.. So, I believe that it is up to me to remain psychologically sound and find a way.. I must throw away these depressing thoughts and stuff..

I’ll try.. Because I don’t want to end up doing this thing to my son too..

As for my mom, she’s sound. I just have to accept the mom that I have.. Its not that, I didn’t in the past.. but, I will accept her more and open my mind a little wider for her.. 

I love them both and I hope to fulfill my Purpose to both of them before I die.. I really believe that everything has a reason.. A reason why I wrote this, why you read it.. Why you are going to hate or like what i’m scribbling in this light and static screen.. 

ALTASHHETH™

2:35 PM

April 27, 2008
2:11 PM

It takes a lot of getting used to again, this writing thing. I had to stare at the blank stretch of space for a while before i begin. Well, I hope that my few readers will be reading every new shit that i’ll write in this blog.

I returned to this very outlet of my frustrations because i can’t turn to other things. I hate everyone and everything in this world already. I don’t know. Things have to be lost to be appreciated and people will always try to believe that you are stupid and will buy everything that you say. And you sometimes also have to believe that you are stupid and that you will believe everything they say.

If i wallow too much, you can stop reading. Is that Democracy?  Is that ‘Free Will’? I don’t know if its just me or is it that God is playing at my Being - like a yoyo.. One minute, I am at the point of believing, and the next minute, I again believe that this Life is just a pointless thing that we human beings try to extract meaning from by doing what we have to do.. If there are things that we ‘really have to do’..

I love my mom and i love my papa.. And i ‘know’ that they love me too.. But why can’t i feel it? Am I just asking for too much or is it that i am just feigning blindness? They hurt and are hurting me in ways that they seem not aware of.. And me? I’m in the point of throwing it all away and start the journey that is death.. I’m goddamn depressed.. I don’t know and I really don’t know..

Understanding both of them seems to me now a very hard thing to do.. My mom, who was always there for me and my father, who I met just 5 months ago…

And me.. the solution, the product, the fruit, the only ‘thing’ that links them both together mutually.. I’m suffering from the idea that I can never accept what I am.. What I am because of their follies..  I don’t blame them but i know that they’re responsible for it.. But i don’t want to blame them.. But who can i blame? Myself? God?                  

I hope to make it through..

ALTASHHETH™

2:34 PM

I believe that the only real connection between people is between parent and child…