God’s Vagabond Child..

11:24PM

January 15, 2008

A good friend and I had this very ‘unloading’ conversation last time. Sitting in the grass near the Acacia trees inside our university campus. It was a bit nostalgic, saying those things. Since I remembered that the only other person that I’ve had the same conversation with was gone from me for almost three years now. I spoke of what I ‘really’ believe in, that other people, bound by social constraints, can never actually think about or won’t bother thinking about. You can never force anyone to listen to you. They might hear what you are blabbering about but few will be able to listen and understand what you want to convey and where you are getting all these thoughts - from your heart or from somewhere else. Sincerity is a commodity that isn’t that very common these days anymore. It will be very lucky if someone gives it to you out of nowhere. It will be a folly to waste it. Because almost everytime, you have to risk and invest sincerity and hope that it won’t be thrown away. But the person actually listened to me and believed what I said. However, I know that I myself, am bound. If I weren’t, i would have filled this blog with every argument that i have.

The conversation left me feeling happy and light for almost an hour. Almost. I’ve come to realize once more, that it was damn possible that the person whom i confided with will end up the same way with the other one - listen and go. I thought that, I hope, other people, who thinks the same way like I do or will be thinking the same way, will find the courage that I don’t have, and will probably never have and stand up for his/her beliefs.

I will have to suffer that ‘cycle’ that I’ve been mentioning in this God-forsaken internet cranny all over again.Or start writing all over again.

Altashheth™

11:39PM

January 15, 2009

January 9, 2009

9:32 AM

Storyteller. The term used by General Sahib in the movie adaptation of the novel “The Kite Runner” by Khaled Hosseini. I can’t say I’m a writer because I haven’t written any stories yet. I just make up stories in my head, but I can’t write them..yet.

I hate romanticized endings. I love sad endings with good and strong resolutions. The type of endings wherein a main character sits in a bench somewhere, winds blowing and thoughts wandering near the end of the story. I often create mental stories with someone dying in the end. Maybe it reflects my strong preconceived notion that, once everything is already irreversible, there you’ll find out that you should’ve done something. However, these sad endings often have flashbacks of happy memories, so, my stories, though tragic, still have a tinge of brightness in it.

The point? Though in reality, I often look at the bright side of things - enduring whatever in the hopes that in the end, it’ll be all right - I am a pessimist by nature as observed in the projections that I make in my stories. When I’m happy with someone, I often have short episodes of feelings of emptiness somewhere in between. Maybe it’s because of the things that had happened in the past. Happy moments that always end in a parting of ways. Somewhere within me, I know that every happy moment with anyone, anyone, won’t last forever. New people come. Things happen. Distance. It kills even the shiniest of hopes.

People will say, “Stop thinking about it, just treasure those moments.” How could I treasure those moments when the knowledge - and therefore the pain - of knowing that it won’t happen again, overpowers the need to preserve things in a luminous view. And, I’m me. I’m not them. I don’t know how to fool myslelf using sheer optimism.

So I’ll be here. Thinking of stories that I’ll end the way that I want it to. I only wish that Life is like that, you end it the way you want to. But no, no matter what you do, you can never control the things that are happening and will be happening. I concede.

Altashheth™

Jan. 9, 2009

10:06 AM