God’s Vagabond Child..

April 27, 2008
2:11 PM

It takes a lot of getting used to again, this writing thing. I had to stare at the blank stretch of space for a while before i begin. Well, I hope that my few readers will be reading every new shit that i’ll write in this blog.

I returned to this very outlet of my frustrations because i can’t turn to other things. I hate everyone and everything in this world already. I don’t know. Things have to be lost to be appreciated and people will always try to believe that you are stupid and will buy everything that you say. And you sometimes also have to believe that you are stupid and that you will believe everything they say.

If i wallow too much, you can stop reading. Is that Democracy?  Is that ‘Free Will’? I don’t know if its just me or is it that God is playing at my Being - like a yoyo.. One minute, I am at the point of believing, and the next minute, I again believe that this Life is just a pointless thing that we human beings try to extract meaning from by doing what we have to do.. If there are things that we ‘really have to do’..

I love my mom and i love my papa.. And i ‘know’ that they love me too.. But why can’t i feel it? Am I just asking for too much or is it that i am just feigning blindness? They hurt and are hurting me in ways that they seem not aware of.. And me? I’m in the point of throwing it all away and start the journey that is death.. I’m goddamn depressed.. I don’t know and I really don’t know..

Understanding both of them seems to me now a very hard thing to do.. My mom, who was always there for me and my father, who I met just 5 months ago…

And me.. the solution, the product, the fruit, the only ‘thing’ that links them both together mutually.. I’m suffering from the idea that I can never accept what I am.. What I am because of their follies..  I don’t blame them but i know that they’re responsible for it.. But i don’t want to blame them.. But who can i blame? Myself? God?                  

I hope to make it through..

ALTASHHETH™

2:34 PM

I believe that the only real connection between people is between parent and child… 

11:16, Jan. 14,2007

The title doesn’t actually mean anything. Hhhehe. I used it cause it’s catchy. Anyway, its quite long since I wrote anything in here. I’m not in the mood right now. But, the thing that made me write is this: I met my dad last november 20, 2007 but I didn’t write in memoire or something in here. I will write something soon! But for now, I’m enjoying the bitter medicine that is my father. I love him. And he makes me hate him and love him again. That’s why it’s a bitter medicine. It’s actually therapeutic in my part but it’s a bit hard. But I love him, that much I know.

Be writing something ‘me-ish’ soon.

ALTASHHETH™

11:20am

Bah.. Poems? Yeah, i’ve written poems since I was in highschool.. It all started when I listened to Evanescence and a tragic thing happened.. ahahha.. Stupid.. I’m saying "a tragic thing happened" and I followed it with a "ahahha".. Well, it’s like an impulse.. When I text, i put hahaha, when i chat, i put ahhaha.. I seem to be a happy man…

And.. what i’ve written is so disorganized.. Jumping from one topic to another.. It’s because this blog post is spontaneous.. aahahahha.. (there goes the hahahah again..)..

Anyways, here I go again.. Again.. and again.. I’m dreaming and falling and, a new addition - crying… I’ve never cried this much since I came out of the cave that was my mother’s - you get the picture.. I came out of the house puffy-eyed, though it isn’t that obvious because my eyes tend to shape shift, sometimes they’re big, sometimes they’re chinky.. I dunno.. Many things happened this past few weeks.. It’s a sort of an avalanche for me… Uhmm.. erase.. make it, "this past few months"..

I graduated from highschool so i have to leave many people there that i never thought i’d leave.. My classmates, friends, acquaintances,.. etc… And… . . .  yes. . . no. .  baaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. . . Goddamnit. . I really need to throw things on the wall and break them. . . I need it. . . .

Next, we transferred from talisay city to bacolod city and shit, it was change for me.. I grew up in the streets of carmela with my gang of friends who, though they are most of the time doin’ stupid things, I have loved so much.. 12 or 13 years of friendship.. Lost.. And a very good friend of mine who i trust with all of my heart, though she may not feel it that much..

Then, I studied in the mountains. yes.. mountains..  and i have to adjust to the new environment, stay there for months on end and go back home for a few days and back there again..

This all happened in the span of 1.66 years.. The transition burdens me so much..

I don’t wake up every morning to go to school, sleep in class, laugh with friends, fight or what.. walk home with a very influential friend.. Go home, play Lineage 2 with my computer buddies, walk home with them, and hang out in the sari-sari store and laugh the night away.. Call my very best friend at the back of our house and talk about school.. sleep.. and the cycle goes on..

I could just call anyone in the vicinity when I need help.. talk to classmates who do nothing.. I’m alone now..

I spent my christmas last year with a liter of Redhorse, that was it.. Spent the whole new year’s eve morning alone, and spent the night with strangers..

I don’t know if I can still make it through..

8:08pm

Nov.4 ,2007..

Answer me..

by: BL Altashheth

For toil and murmur the lies are best..

Catch the falling; mend the broken..

But not the truth lost..

Crushed by iron on a lonely road..

Blood seeped unto Earth..

Those forbidden are kept for loan..

And the truth, unspoken..

Falling into deep, the well of foggy thought..

You care..

Why not dare?..

Answer me..

02:34am

October 7, 2007

Dream
by: BL Altashheth

Grope into the darkness for immaterialities..
A gloom that descends too fast..

Here comes the blooms..
Peppering the pavement hot and scorched..
Petals soft and fragrant..

Step in it and laugh and die..
Smile and die..

Phantom Life that catches doom..
And turns it into ale and rum..

Get drunk to madness..
And die..

September 15, 2007
8:56PM

Birth
by: BL Altashheth

Crimson walking..
Blinded lights..
To creep in wallowy pus..
And not but Life..

Sept. 24, 2007
11:??PM

 Sweet Death
by: BL Altashheth

I am asundered.
She calls me, I try not to hear.
But she needs me as much as I need her.

Moaning, pleading, begging and not but her sweet cries ringing.
I listened.
I called.

She’s near.
She’s here.
I rise to greet her.
And I am but sand in the Earth.

July 22, 2007
11:49PM

Black swans? hehehe. just nothin’ actually.. I’ve heard them in a NEWS program few days ago and they simply intrigued me.. Especially their pairing behaviour:

"A recent (2007) exhibition at the University of Oslo Natural History Museum in Norway called Against nature? explored homosexual behaviours in a number of species, including Black Swans.

Several swan species exhibit lifelong homosexual behaviours, and the same phenomenon can also be found in a number of other water-birds, notably geese and flamingos, where it serves as a flexible life strategy.

In swans, the pair is the central social unit. The birds reinforce
the unit with frequent preening and sex. Should one die, the other will
usually live out the remainder of its life alone. The pair builds
nests, raise cygnets and defends a territory. Two cobs, being bigger
and stronger than a cob and a pen, can hold down a larger territory,
and provide their cygnets with more to eat.

Such homosexual pairs represents a major fitness bonus to a pen, and pens without partners will seek out these couples,
have sex with one or other of the cobs and lay eggs in their nest. She
is then chased off, not being a part of the pair, and the cobs raise
the cygnets themselves. Having access to more food the brood have up to
ten times the survival rate of a brood with a heterosexual swan couple.
From an evolutionary point of view, this is a very rewarding strategy
for the cobs as well.

This situation only holds true as long as a nest and a territory is
in short supply. The two males will have a fitness loss in that they have no guarantee they are the actual fathers of the cygnets (not
being bonded with the female) and will anyway have to split
reproduction between them.

A homosexual lifestyle will be advantageous in some situations, but
not in others. However, having a partner is a requisite for building a
nest and keeping a territory, and an opposite sex partner may not
always be available when forming pairs. Thus, the ability to form a
homosexual male pair is a normal part of the Black Swans social
behaviour and an example of a flexible life strategy in the species."(Wikipedia.com)

Amazing huh?..

No other thoughts..

ALTASHHETH™

September 29, 2007

5:28PM

September 26, 2007
03:53PM

This is almost exactly the time two years ago when everything seems to drain down the sink.. I was neutral, the days were normal and the nights seem to pass by unnoticed.. I was praying (yes, praying!) for a miracle to happen.. A miracle which was too impossible to be granted.. But it was granted..

But it was temporary..

And now I am trying to find out within myself if those things were just figments of a dream..

No other thoughts..

ALTASHHETH

03:55PM