Guess I have to defend myself..
Yeah, I do smoke.. However, that picture is utterly symbolic in its sense.. What I’m trying to say, through that picture is that, life is too short for wasting. And the bright burning part is like saying, "I am about to die! Stop puffing!"
Ironically, smoking shortens life. And I will stop soon!!
ALTASHHETH™
September 13, 2007
11:56PM
I definitely haven’t written here since July 30, 2007 (the one with the very looonnnggg and sensible body: ‘coming soon’ and I will delete it after I post this and you won’t see it in my blog.. hahahhaa..). And all of you - my few bored readers- might ask if I’ve wormed out of my freakingly depressing state-of-mood.
I have not.
I’m still the same shit-wallowing, about-to-commit-suicide-any-day-now, asylum-patient-to-be, trying to seek the **ckin’ Light entity who seems to be very good at making anything sunny sound snowy.
*sigh*
Well, anyway the title of this was only supposed to be "The hamster and the teddy bear" but I just remembered, or more likely, heard the rain and I changed the title into what it is now!
Just hours ago, I was drenched by the rain again. And I somehow enjoyed it! The freedom, the cold and the cleansing feeling that the rain can give you if you, well, allow the rain to give you a bath wholeheartedly. LOL
What I’m trying to say is that, the rain is a reminder that everything that goes up (evaporation) must and will surely come down (precipitation). And accepting the wholly the things that has to fall down will save you from the burden that comes when you try to escape or deny them.
Simply put — when the rain gets you, don’t swear — laugh and dance. Enjoy! There’s nothing you can do about it anyway..
Nyahahahhaha… That sounded… positive! Yuhhoooo! I know how to write positive things!
Anyways, as I’m writing this, my hamster is trying to escape from her cage. (by the way, this hamster is 30% of my grade! Shit! And I have to train her. If she doesn’t succeed in the maze when I present her to my Behavior Analysis teacher, I’m history) She wasn’t trying so just hours ago. She just started after I let her roam around the table while I was cleaning her cage. Maybe she learned (Sir! I’m using the technical word ‘learned’!!) that it was better outside. And now, she’s trying to go out because she liked it better outside. I couldn’t blame her. I gave her the chance to feel what it’s like to be outside and when the world seems to be so happy for her, I caged her again. Cruel. Very cruel.
Maybe I’m just like her. Trying to look for the thing that made me feel very good. Because it was given to me only for just a short while. And I missed it. But, as a thinking being, I know that it is very unique. So unique perhaps that only one of it exists in this universe or polyverse or what. No new pair or individual can replace it. It’s a fact that is clear to me now.
And like the hamster who just stopped trying to crack her teeth by biting the railings of the cage, and slept — I give up. Knowing that it will soon be back if it is really for me. One thing’s for sure however, I loved it and I still love it. Though it seems not to bother at all.
The hamster will have her chance to enjoy the outdoors soon. I hope that I, too, can have it soon.
I blabbered for a very long time huh? Well, this’ll have to end soon. So, after 64 words, except the date and time, I will go to bed and sleep, wait for the morning that I never asked for, and try to make it through. As for now, I will sleep with my good friend’s gift to me before her departure - a memorable teddy bear who smiles permanently. I hope I could be like him.
Be with me still.. Always..
ALTASHHETH™
September 14, 2007
12:46AM
I am a woman when it comes to mood. I change my mood almost every second. I am sad and down, and the next thing, I’m so happy just because of some minor things that really are quite stupid.
I am a person of great love. I don’t know. I sound very proud if I say this, but yes. I love greatly and deeply and I am very loyal. Who I love, I will love no matter what.
I need to find someone
Or be accepted by my someone.
ALTASHHETH
Goodness sinks..
"What will be left when I’ve drawn my last breath?.. Will I discover a soul-saving love or just the dirt above and below me?"
I hate it.. Im starting to go astray again.. Like before..
Im starting to lose purpose again.. Im losing motivation..
*sigh*
The Light they say can be found at the end of the tunnel..
How long will that journey take?
Fight the Light..
I don’t want to see it anymore..
ALTASHHETH
May 23, 2007
07:50PM
What a title.. I think this would be long so.. if you aren’t that interested, just scram! I don’t need you and your uncaring soul..
*sigh*
Thank you for continuing.. I think this would be my last, at least for a very long period of time.. The idea is, try to put yourself in the shoes of a Thinking Cannibal-born human.. I mean, he’s a human alright, but he must live on human flesh alone. However freaky it might sound, he has no choice.. And to live.. Someone must die for him.. Though he may have to become cruel and insensitive, he can think and empathize and he was ever good and helpful and kind..
He must live on his fellow and he has no choice.
Would he be considered evil or mean just because of this unwanted need?
Each of us has our own struggles and we never can be freed from it - ever. Until we die, we should, more or less, suffer and struggle..
But is God discriminating in giving these struggles?
Is He fair in giving problems and tests?
As for me, I believe that my eternal suffer would be finding thorough acceptance from the people that I really and truly love.. And am I to be blamed? Do I really have a choice?
All I know is that, in my current state of feeling, I will forever suffer the cycle of Joy and Sorrow.. Joy because I, at least, still have the thing that I seem to have equated with my life.. Sorrow because I know that though I have it, it will never be mine.. And again, am I to be blamed?
(Smack That now playing)
I want to be happy, that is all that I want.. I hope there is an Economics for the emotions.. (The allocation of limited happiness to man’s unlimited suffering..)
Do I need counseling?
Please tell me..
What do I need?
I have been counseled upon; Advices I received from everyone; Sincere friendship has been given to me but I still am suffering and I just can’t listen to them.. I never heeded their advices or counsels or what… I am still the same..
*sigh*
Am I stubborn?
What?
The main problem maybe is that I can’t seem to find the core of this all.. Or I haven’t recognized it yet, though it’s just under my nose.. I really don’t know..
I can’t write poems now and I’m too sane to cut myself.. And I can’t find an outlet anymore..
WaaaAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!
i hope can relate to what I am saying now..
I need to find answers..
I need to Understand..
I am giving love that can never be reciprocated…
I am growing up but I can’t find my purpose..
I am too blind and dumb..
I am stupid..
Ahhhrrrrrrggggggg……
My eternal struggle would be earning the Love that I want… and learned to need.. The love that I know would be my last and best.. The love that failed me.. The love that I must, ’til my dying day, suffer…
I’m a cannibal myself.. I can’t help but "eat" my "fellow"..
Do I have a choice?
Should I be blamed?
ALTASHHETH™
Can people get more insensitive? Damn..
I’m suffering Bipolar Depression now and I don’t like it one bit.. One minute I’m happy and the next minute, I feel like dead… And it’s because of one freaking "message"..
I wish I was more courageous so that I can end this puddle of conflicting emotions.. I don’t want to suffer anymore and I really really don’t want to feel pain anymore…
"Everyone of us has our own struggles.. Maybe this is your eternal struggle..", a friend told me.. And it’s quite unfair if this is really what i must suffer…
They are telling me that it’s all in my willpower and I have a choice.. Damn, yeah.. I do have a choice.. To supress it and suffer more.. or die.. At least for me, those are my options..
Crap, why do you even bother to read this monologue of endless fuzzing and pleading and drama? And why do I have to write this???
*sigh*
I’m hopeless..
ALTASHHETH
May 5, 2007
10:22pm
Damn. I hate it. I really hate it! It sucks and it stinks and itsss. shit. I always end up like this. Begging. Pleading. Ahrgggggggg……….. Will this ever end? Well, it will
When I die.
ALTASHHETH™
May 5, 2007- 04:43PM
I woke up today thinking, "Am I really 17?"
Hhehehe.. It has been quite long since I wrote something. Hhehehe.. You know, my whims.. I don’t feel like writing something..
But that thought made me ponder. While I was washing the dishes just this noon time. I heard the children playing "tumbang preso".. I felt envy..
Hhehehe.. I remembered the times when me and my friends play that game. Some of us have booger sticking out of our noses and our clothes are rag-like, well you know what I mean..
*sigh*
"Your old if you start thinking about the ‘good old days’.", they say.. ehhehe…
Waahhkkkkkkk……….
My thoughts are just in a scramble right now..
Hhehehe..
I learned to let go..
That’s the whole point of this..
Try to figure it out.. It makes sense.. At least, it makes sense to me..
CaN’t elaborate further..
Be with me.
ALTASHHETH™
07:43pm-April 9, 2007
Wasn’t Thomas lucky?
He didn’t believe the Lord has Risen, and he was given the chance to see Him. After saying that he wanted to lay his hands on the wounds before he would really believe that He was alive again, Jesus showed up and allowed him to touch the Divine Wounds in his hands…
What about the rest?… Us?…
We also doubt, but why doesn’t God show up and whack us in the ass for not believing in Him? Why doesn’t He show up in our dreams and torment us until we believe in Him? Or why doesn’t he hurl down lightning in our midst everytime we speaks blasphemy against Him?
Stupid.. Very stupid questions..
God shows Himself to us in different forms and ways, but we are too blind to see them.. I too, though I write this in His defense, am too blind to see Him around us and I still doubt Him though I am telling you this… I just know that it is the Truth.. That He loves us.. That He knows what is Evil and not Evil… He knows what is wrong or right.. But we sometimes are too overwhelmed by the RULES that we impose upon ourselves, old rules that have rooted out from our past ignorance and close-mindedness..
We live in the present.. And a better understanding of things is at hand, but we don’t embrace it.. We stick to our RULES…
No! Don’t even think for a second that I’m trying to tell people to kill people or to rape or to steal.. Those are, indeed, wrong.. But take the case of the Witch Burnings by the Christian faith in the past.. Woman who seek to rule or to voice out are tagged as witches and are burned.. It was wrong then for women to voice out and speak.. But today, it is not.. I hope you get my idea.
Anyways, God loves us… He does..
Think about it…
Doubt like St.Thomas, and ask Him to let you put your finger in his wounds… Then, understand the things that will come your way.. Open your eyes..
ALTASHHETH™
07:52pm - April 09, 2007
03-28-07, 01:01am
It has been quite a long time since I wrote something in this blog. Today is my last day here in my dormitory (FH2 Balay Kanlaon) and after a long time, I got drunk again though it was not as much as the last.
Many things have had happened to me and Heaven knows how I tried to overcome them. And there was this very comparatively shorter time that I thought I have overcome these things (since the the time I wrote "can’t drink anymore" ).
But I was dreadfully wrong. It still haunts me and hurts the wounds and tries to extinguish the very weak light in me — that’s Life.
The pain that I will forever carry within me; that I will feel this for these persons (and the others that will come… soon.) and they won’t have the heart or the conscience to reciprocate it back to me.
Damn.
It’s hard for me, for us who feel this masochistic scar within us. This pain that feels good and painful and frustrating.
It is better yet for those persons who’ve experienced this and lived through it. Bless their souls. For I will be one of them.
God knows that it is not proper, it is wrong. But He also knows that it is not evil — for it is Love.
However tainted and improper, still it is Love.
Lash me, suffocate me, taunt me, give me shame, laugh at me, pity me, kill me.
I still know that it is never evil, though it is not right.
AHhhhrrrgggggggg…..
He knows, He knows that I am trying.
He knows.
And He will deliver me from the punishment that I will face for this.. Divine Wrongness..
I will try still, though I am hurt, to push through..
Be with me..
ALTASHHETH™
03-28-07, 01:18am
